I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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