Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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