I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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