Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
