I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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