Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I think I am morally bankrupt
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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