I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
