i think my tv is drunk
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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