I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
