Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
