i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
