I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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