I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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