I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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