Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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