So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
