Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
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