My nipple is on Facebook.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
