I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
