Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
