Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
