I like my sex mixed with concussions.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
