seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
