even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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