I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
