Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
