just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Come share oat with me in your robe
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
