mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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