My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
