these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
