guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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