OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
