mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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