I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
