I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
