Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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