my phone needs a breathalizer
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
In America we eat man semen.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
