She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
