i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
