Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
