The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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