This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
