I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
