I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
