Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
