Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize