dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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