If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
