Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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