yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
