I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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