the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I touched a dick in church today
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
