pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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