I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
