he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
