Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
