6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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