If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
