Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
